A Poem About Being Evil

Evil spelled backwards tells me to live.

Although love is dangerous, impatient, and most of the time unkind.

I find myself lost in it’s endless labyrinth.

Because ignorance is bliss, and I am on cloud nine for the time being.

Seduced by the way love makes me live, and how it sometimes makes me evil.

But they’re the same thing, aren’t they?

 

Apathy, that word is the real evil.

The lack of any feeling, because without our emotions we’d all be robots.

In some ways we are those mechanical demons.

Believing lies of others, but no longer believing in ourselves,

just so we can feel appreciated for a few hours.

And eventually we end up soaking our pillow with salt water.

 

The dreams and fairytales morph into new life.

You start to feel again, and it really fucking hurts.

But you can see reality, in all it’s harsh clearness,

and start to notice the real evil.

It wasn’t you, but it could be if you follow.

Following the yellow brick road to the path of pain and regret.

To use others for you own evil.

 

I never thought about the way someone could hurt me, and not even know.

To stab me repeatedly, and not even leave a wound.

This, my friends, is a warning.

Don’t be dangerous, because most people can’t refuse the temptation of evil.

I believe there are two different evils.

One can make you live, and the other can kill.

Which one will you choose?

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The funny thing about friendship in high school

Well, to be honest, it doesn’t really exist. I guess I can’t really say that for the general population, but from my personal experience and other’s I have heard or seen. I don’t really know how to explain it the ‘perfect’ way, so I’m going to do my best to describe what I mean. High school is one of the worst stages in your life, for me, it’s the worst. I hate everything about high school, but what I hate the most is the fact you’re forced to stay with the same people for four years. For example, I am friends with people who don’t actually care about me, and don’t even try to understand and help me in difficult times. Even my ‘best friend’ is someone who I can’t count on very much. I am one of those people that will be there for someone, like, REALLY be there for you. I am that way because I’ve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life. My dad is an alcoholic/ addict and has struggled with this for most of my childhood. I had to grow up really fast. I had to learn the harsh reality of the world before any child should. Now I’m not saying that to get pity from anyone, because I am happy that it happened. It made me into the person I am today, and that is someone I can be proud of. Having to deal with that most of my childhood, and recently in my high school years, has opened my eyes even more. I am in high school, and I don’t have anyone that I can really look to in times of need. I usually try to stay strong, because that’s how I got through everything I have. But recently, things have been really crazy with school, boy troubles, college applications and deadlines, and now is when I need the most help from a friend, but I don’t have one…….That is a really pathetic to actually fathom and comprehend to myself. I know I’m not the only one that is going through this, but it’s sad that anyone should have to deal with this. I don’t really know why I decided to write about this…..I guess I feel alone right now, and it kinda sucks. I will get over it though. I’m a big girl. I’m just hoping this shit doesn’t happen in college.

LISTEN

Sometimes, I wish people would just shut the fuck up. My family, my friends, my teachers, everyone just needs to stop talking. Stop telling me what to do, to think, to feel, and just listen to what I have to say. I don’t need my family to say that I need to do better. I just need them to believe in my abilities, and not question my decisions on how to do things. I definitely don’t need my friends making jokes about my problems at home. After they ask why I’m not as happy as my usual self. I really don’t need teachers to say discouraging things to me when I’m feeling my worst. Especially when they are the ones that are supposed to encourage my youthful mind. I wish my family would stop being so fucked up. I wish I didn’t have to feel like I need to hide things from my friends. I wish I could talk to my teachers on a personal level, and not have them laugh in my face as they tell me my problems don’t matter. Just because I’m young, doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced hardship. I may be a teenager, but it doesn’t mean my emotions are irrational. I’m tired of people brushing off my feelings because ‘I’m overreacting’; because they’re not as important as theirs. You don’t know what my life has been like. You have no idea what I think about myself. You have no clue. If people would just listen, really listen; they would understand. Most people just listen for the next time they can talk. They don’t actually care how you feel. So, stop and listen. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll get why people are the way they are.

What is wrong with me?

I wish I knew why I do the stupid things that I do……..like sleeping with my ex boyfriend/ best friend. Oh wait, I do know: alcohol, unresolved feelings, and hormones. Gotta love being a teenager. This guy……let’s call him Adam, is my best friend that I dated for six months, and he inconveniently got me to fall in love with him (never making that mistake again). He was the person I had sex with for the first time, and vice versa. We broke up. We still have feelings for each other. I went and visited him for spring break, so I could party with people on campus. I ended up getting really drunk and slept with him. (this has happened multiple times, but this is when it got real.)  Here’s the best part though, he told me he had sex with someone else, someone that I know. I am such an idiot. Last night, I was visiting, and got really drunk and tried to have sex with him, again. Ugh. He stopped it from happening because he figured that I was too drunk to make that decision, he was right. But I’m pretty sure we still did some stuff, and when I say ‘pretty sure’ I mean I’m sure. I woke up next to him on his bed, and all I had on was my bra with my underwear on the floor. I don’t remember things after a certain point in the night. I think my problem is that I am extremely sexually frustrated. I obviously still have some feelings for him, but I do not want to date him like that ever again. i am still dealing with him being a boyfriend in some ways. I also get really horny (I don’t like using that word) when I’m drinking. I can’t have sex with people when I’m visiting because I stay with Adam, and people know that we dated. I probably would sleep with someone if I could. I think I want to get back at Adam for having sex with someone else. Does that make me a bad person? It just makes me really mad because he can do whatever he wants, but I’m stuck in this little fucking town with no one that I would want to have sex with. One of Adam’s friends thinks I’m a ’10’ and has always found me attractive. Sometimes I see him look at me when he’s drunk, and I can see that he would try to have sex with me if I wasn’t Adam’s Ex. Last night I found myself thinking about that situation. This is what doesn’t make sense, the whole thing about me sleeping with my best friend/ ex boyfriend. Adam has never made me cum. We dated for six months and I never finished when we had sex (oral and fingers too), not once. Me having sex with him now would make a lot more sense if he was awesome in bed, but he’s not. Okay, that’s harsh, but true. I tried really hard this time to not have sex with him. I went back to his house earlier than him, set up a bed downstairs on the couch……..but he convinced me to sleep in the bed with him. Here’s another thing. I didn’t sleep with him the first night, only the last night that I’m visiting. Which means I had the will power to lay in a bed next to him and not do anything the first night, but I couldn’t do that for the second night. huh. Basically, I am FOR SURE not having sex with him again. I’ve actually started to realize what a prick he is because of the way he is handling this situation between us. Don’t let guys step over you! We are gonna talk soon about this thing still happening but not happening at the same time, and when we do I’m going to give him an earful. Just wait. Sorry if this is boring.