My current mood.

What I need right now: alcohol, a hot/nice guy, and not a care in the world.

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What is wrong with me?

I wish I knew why I do the stupid things that I do……..like sleeping with my ex boyfriend/ best friend. Oh wait, I do know: alcohol, unresolved feelings, and hormones. Gotta love being a teenager. This guy……let’s call him Adam, is my best friend that I dated for six months, and he inconveniently got me to fall in love with him (never making that mistake again). He was the person I had sex with for the first time, and vice versa. We broke up. We still have feelings for each other. I went and visited him for spring break, so I could party with people on campus. I ended up getting really drunk and slept with him. (this has happened multiple times, but this is when it got real.) ┬áHere’s the best part though, he told me he had sex with someone else, someone that I know. I am such an idiot. Last night, I was visiting, and got really drunk and tried to have sex with him, again. Ugh. He stopped it from happening because he figured that I was too drunk to make that decision, he was right. But I’m pretty sure we still did some stuff, and when I say ‘pretty sure’ I mean I’m sure. I woke up next to him on his bed, and all I had on was my bra with my underwear on the floor. I don’t remember things after a certain point in the night. I think my problem is that I am extremely sexually frustrated. I obviously still have some feelings for him, but I do not want to date him like that ever again. i am still dealing with him being a boyfriend in some ways. I also get really horny (I don’t like using that word) when I’m drinking. I can’t have sex with people when I’m visiting because I stay with Adam, and people know that we dated. I probably would sleep with someone if I could. I think I want to get back at Adam for having sex with someone else. Does that make me a bad person? It just makes me really mad because he can do whatever he wants, but I’m stuck in this little fucking town with no one that I would want to have sex with. One of Adam’s friends thinks I’m a ’10’ and has always found me attractive. Sometimes I see him look at me when he’s drunk, and I can see that he would try to have sex with me if I wasn’t Adam’s Ex. Last night I found myself thinking about that situation. This is what doesn’t make sense, the whole thing about me sleeping with my best friend/ ex boyfriend. Adam has never made me cum. We dated for six months and I never finished when we had sex (oral and fingers too), not once. Me having sex with him now would make a lot more sense if he was awesome in bed, but he’s not. Okay, that’s harsh, but true. I tried really hard this time to not have sex with him. I went back to his house earlier than him, set up a bed downstairs on the couch……..but he convinced me to sleep in the bed with him. Here’s another thing. I didn’t sleep with him the first night, only the last night that I’m visiting. Which means I had the will power to lay in a bed next to him and not do anything the first night, but I couldn’t do that for the second night. huh. Basically, I am FOR SURE not having sex with him again. I’ve actually started to realize what a prick he is because of the way he is handling this situation between us. Don’t let guys step over you! We are gonna talk soon about this thing still happening but not happening at the same time, and when we do I’m going to give him an earful. Just wait. Sorry if this is boring.