A Poem About Being Evil

Evil spelled backwards tells me to live.

Although love is dangerous, impatient, and most of the time unkind.

I find myself lost in it’s endless labyrinth.

Because ignorance is bliss, and I am on cloud nine for the time being.

Seduced by the way love makes me live, and how it sometimes makes me evil.

But they’re the same thing, aren’t they?

 

Apathy, that word is the real evil.

The lack of any feeling, because without our emotions we’d all be robots.

In some ways we are those mechanical demons.

Believing lies of others, but no longer believing in ourselves,

just so we can feel appreciated for a few hours.

And eventually we end up soaking our pillow with salt water.

 

The dreams and fairytales morph into new life.

You start to feel again, and it really fucking hurts.

But you can see reality, in all it’s harsh clearness,

and start to notice the real evil.

It wasn’t you, but it could be if you follow.

Following the yellow brick road to the path of pain and regret.

To use others for you own evil.

 

I never thought about the way someone could hurt me, and not even know.

To stab me repeatedly, and not even leave a wound.

This, my friends, is a warning.

Don’t be dangerous, because most people can’t refuse the temptation of evil.

I believe there are two different evils.

One can make you live, and the other can kill.

Which one will you choose?

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I have a date?! What?!

Yes, it is true! I, with all the craziness going on in my life, have a date. I got a tinder, and I talk to a few guys, and he’s the first dude who isn’t really creepy and is really cute. I just wanted to tell someone, because I don’t really want to tell my friends about it and make a big deal. But anyways, hopefully everything goes okay! ☺
Have a lovely evening!

P.s I don’t really go on dates, so if anyone has any advice for me, it would be much appreciated. Thanks!

Yours truly

Bittersweet author

The funny thing about friendship in high school

Well, to be honest, it doesn’t really exist. I guess I can’t really say that for the general population, but from my personal experience and other’s I have heard or seen. I don’t really know how to explain it the ‘perfect’ way, so I’m going to do my best to describe what I mean. High school is one of the worst stages in your life, for me, it’s the worst. I hate everything about high school, but what I hate the most is the fact you’re forced to stay with the same people for four years. For example, I am friends with people who don’t actually care about me, and don’t even try to understand and help me in difficult times. Even my ‘best friend’ is someone who I can’t count on very much. I am one of those people that will be there for someone, like, REALLY be there for you. I am that way because I’ve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life. My dad is an alcoholic/ addict and has struggled with this for most of my childhood. I had to grow up really fast. I had to learn the harsh reality of the world before any child should. Now I’m not saying that to get pity from anyone, because I am happy that it happened. It made me into the person I am today, and that is someone I can be proud of. Having to deal with that most of my childhood, and recently in my high school years, has opened my eyes even more. I am in high school, and I don’t have anyone that I can really look to in times of need. I usually try to stay strong, because that’s how I got through everything I have. But recently, things have been really crazy with school, boy troubles, college applications and deadlines, and now is when I need the most help from a friend, but I don’t have one…….That is a really pathetic to actually fathom and comprehend to myself. I know I’m not the only one that is going through this, but it’s sad that anyone should have to deal with this. I don’t really know why I decided to write about this…..I guess I feel alone right now, and it kinda sucks. I will get over it though. I’m a big girl. I’m just hoping this shit doesn’t happen in college.

Oooooooooh, a secret!

Now, you may be wondering what this, so called, ‘secret’ is. I’ll tell you. I, unintentionally, got my ex’s friends on my side………whoops!

Haha. Honestly, I didn’t really need to do anything besides be myself, and let my ex be himself. He looked like the bad guy because he was one. I just stood by and didn’t make excuses l for him like I used to. I mean, it also helps because all of his friends finds me attractive, but how is that important?

As I am typing this blog, I am talking to my ex’s old roommate and current friend. He has repeatedly started the conversation, and always seems to compliment me when we talk. Not only this friend, but some of ‘Adam’s’ other friends too. Now, I bet I sound like a complete bitch, but you need to understand, the asshole, that is my ex. You can probably get a better understanding if you read my previous blogs. Then you’ll understand why ‘Adam’s’ friends have decided I’m actually awesome.

Though the weird thing is, I’m starting to like talking to ‘Jake’. I am kinda wishing that something could possibly happen between us. When ‘Adam’ and I were dating (6 months), he never once made me cum. I literally faked orgasms for six months! I am a very sexually frustrated girl. The thing that makes me so mad, is the fact the ‘Adam’ thinks he’s hot shit because he lost his virginity. If only he knew, he would die first before he could find my clitoris! Basically, he didn’t know his shit, probably still doesn’t. Anyways! I kinda want to have sex with ‘Jake’ because I’m sure he actually knows what he’s doing, and he’s actually a nice guy. I could see myself having fun with him for one night, maybe more. I doubt he would try to stop it if I initiated it. Would probably have to wait for a night that ‘Adam’ left for the night, or out of town for that matter.

I can see the way I would do it. We’d obviously both be intoxicated (not because we need alcohol to do the deed, but because that’s what we do when we hangout. We get drunk). I would get him to play pong with me. I would touch him a lot (actually touch him, not the weak ass shit ‘Adam’ was accusing me of last time.) Everytime he looked at me, I would smile, and look him straight in the eyes. I would probably get us alone on the back porch at some point. There, I would make chit-chat, and when the conversation slows, I’ll look him in the eyes again. Slowly, I will lean in, just enough for him to realize what’s happening and kiss him, just a peck. I will look at him again to see his reaction, slightly smile, then lean in again. This time I will actually kiss him. Harder. Passionate. More everything. When he’s getting into it, I’ll giggle slightly, rub his chest, run my fingers through his hair, and whisper in his ear, “Can I sleep in your room tonight? All the guys are taking up the couches. I mean, we can put a pillow or something between us if it makes you uncomfortable after, well you know, after what just happened. ” Knowing ‘Jake’ he’ll say it’s fine. That night, I’ll go into his room, put on my nonexistent pajama bottoms and top and get cozy. At first we’ll sleep apart from each other, but as some time passes I’ll scoot closer. I will rub my body on the side of his, until I can tell he is awake (trust me, I’ll know). Then I will whisper again, “Are you awake?” He will be. “Can you look at me for a second?” Once he looks towards me, I’ll pounce.

I think you get the idea…….use your imagination for the rest.

Yours truly

Bittersweet author

The OH so WONDERFUL conversation!

If you couldn’t tell, I am using the most sarcasm I have ever used in my life, and if you knew me, that’s a bold statement. Let’s see….what can I say…..it was absolute shit. Not only did I cry, because that’s what happens every time we have those conversations. But I also was blamed for ‘flirty’ because I didn’t outwardly tell the guy I was talking to that I wasn’t interested. I was a Frat party where I didn’t know anyone.  My friends were off doing their own thing, which I didn’t mind, but I was a little bit out of my comfort zone. I’m an adaptable person, so what did I do? I went and starting talking to someone,  a freshman guy named ‘Marcus’. He was actually really nice, and we had a very good conversation until we all left together to go back to the guys place to party. I talked with him at the guys place because he was in the same situation I was in when he came to my rescue at the Frat. I honestly didn’t mean to come off like I was flirting with him, it was a big misunderstanding. ‘Adam’ also said that I was being handsy with his friend ‘Jake’. It wasn’t like I was grabbing his ass or anything,  I was just touching his shoulder or something.  I honestly think ‘Adam’ was more jealous than anything.  I would never be like that around other people if I wasn’t comfortable around them. ‘Jake’ is someone I like and trust as a person, so I don’t think about me touching him as a ‘sexual thing’, but it was definitely taken that way from ‘Adam’. Adam also told me that I threw up in his sink, and then tried to ‘get some’, which is really embarrassing and I apologized for. But he said that I made him feel used. What? I know that I’m not perfect,  but every time we have these conversations, it’s just Adam telling me everything I did wrong. I just feel really awful right now. I don’t like feeling this way, because I am usually a really happy, upbeat person. I tried to be at least, but I definitely don’t feel that way right now. Well, there’s the update for ya. Hope your night went better than mine did.

Yours truly
Bittersweet author

LISTEN

Sometimes, I wish people would just shut the fuck up. My family, my friends, my teachers, everyone just needs to stop talking. Stop telling me what to do, to think, to feel, and just listen to what I have to say. I don’t need my family to say that I need to do better. I just need them to believe in my abilities, and not question my decisions on how to do things. I definitely don’t need my friends making jokes about my problems at home. After they ask why I’m not as happy as my usual self. I really don’t need teachers to say discouraging things to me when I’m feeling my worst. Especially when they are the ones that are supposed to encourage my youthful mind. I wish my family would stop being so fucked up. I wish I didn’t have to feel like I need to hide things from my friends. I wish I could talk to my teachers on a personal level, and not have them laugh in my face as they tell me my problems don’t matter. Just because I’m young, doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced hardship. I may be a teenager, but it doesn’t mean my emotions are irrational. I’m tired of people brushing off my feelings because ‘I’m overreacting’; because they’re not as important as theirs. You don’t know what my life has been like. You have no idea what I think about myself. You have no clue. If people would just listen, really listen; they would understand. Most people just listen for the next time they can talk. They don’t actually care how you feel. So, stop and listen. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll get why people are the way they are.